Archive for October, 2009

LAUGHTER ON CARDS

October 27, 2009

Those who have trouble remembering or telling jokes can train themselves to be alert to comedy,  children’s antics, anecdotes, odd reports or bizarre incidents often found in and out of the print media.  Sometimes a funny story shows up in an unlikely publication.

To preserve this source of laughter, the reader should cut and paste the joke on 3 x 5 cards or larger and store for future reference.  On a gloomy day he can take a handful, sip a cup of coffee and feel the tickling of his funny bone. He will have a temporary lift of spirit.  Alcohol will do the same thing, but there is more danger of addiction.

Probably even more fertile sources for humor are the attachments to emails sent by relatives and friends.  I probably never had such vigorous and sustained laughter in prior decades.

Frequent perusal will fix the humor in the memory.  Relatives and friends will be surprised that the new skill of telling jokes can result in a transformed personality.   Sometimes it seems they converted me from a hopeless sober sides into an occasional maker of mirth.

I usually print these and file the 8-1/2 sheets in the appropriate folders.  I  prefer, however, to cut and paste the jokes and try to make them fit on 3 x 5 cards often by  folding them to the back side or  by  dividing the story and pasting part on the other side of the card.

DEAFNESS AND LAUGHTER

October 27, 2009

Senior citizens seem to laugh instinctively at their frailties.  They enjoy telling about the mildly offbeat behavior that sometimes results.  They want to do the reporting and not let a younger person do it. 

The children of a very senior and very deaf lady finally persuaded her to visit an audiologist.  Sometime after getting the hearing aid she returned to the audiologist for an evaluation.  He said. “Well,  I suppose your family is happy now that you can hear everything they say?”  She replied, “Oh, I haven’t told them, and you know something?  I’ve changed my will three times.”

A senior couple celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary, and after the guests had departed on the evening of the great event, they were seated on the sofa watching the late news.  The husband   leaned over to his wife and said , “Mother, I’m proud of you.”  “Huh, eh?” she sputtered, “What did you say?  You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”  More loudly the old man repeated, “I’m  proud of you.”  Kindly, she replied, “Oh, that’s all right.  I’m tired of you too.”

Often a comic result of a conversation with a hard of hearing man is that he responds to his own deafness by raising his voice when making replies.  Or maybe that is just the reaction of this writer.

HUMOR IN TEETH

October 27, 2009

A senior couple celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary with a day of festivities.  In bed that night the lady said to her husband, “Dear, embrace me the way you used to do when we were first married.”  Eagerly, he complied with a strenuous hug.

Then she pleaded, “Now, kiss me the way you used to.”  Promptly, he gave her a voluptuous kiss worthy of a romantic movie star.   Not content, she had another request.  Giggling, she said, “Now, bite me the way you used to.”  He jumped out of bed.  “Where are you going?” she asked.  “To get my teeth,” he replied.

While we may joke about people with missing teeth or none, nevertheless, good teeth are essential to good health.  Dentists often strive to save a defective tooth with still healthy roots by putting a crown on it.   Thus, many people feel eligible to sing that famous hymn “Crown Him with Many Crowns.”

It is interesting to note that in an article in Consumer Reports on Health of April 2002, fewer than 20% of the residents of eleven states had lost all of their natural teeth.  Their dentures are a combination of the natural and the false.  These states are Connecticut,  New Jersey, Florida, Arizona, California, Oregon, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Hawaii and, of course, Texas.  The residents of the other states had a slightly higher percentage of only false teeth.

HOW MANY DOCTORS DO YOU HAVE?

October 23, 2009

Other than grandchildren the major topic of conversation among seniors is probably their health and, by extension, their doctors.  While there are complaints, most seniors are content with their medical care.

Opportunities for humor abound like the experience of an 80 year old man who went for an annual physical:  As he was listening to the man’s heart with the stethoscope, the doctor muttered “Oh, Oh.”  “What’s the problem?” asked the man.  “Well,” the doctor said, “You have a serious heart murmur.”  “Do you smoke?”  “No, replied the man.  “Do you drink in excess?”  “No,” replied the man.  “Do you have a sex life?”  “Yes, I do.”  “Well,” said the doctor, “ You’ll have to give up half of your sex life.’   “Which half?” muttered the man, ” The looking or the thinking? 

 The doctor gave his 80-year old patient a curious stare.   “I’ve been practicing medicine for 20 years, and this is the first time anyone has had this complaint.  What do you mean your virility is too high?”

The old man sighed gently.  It’s all up in my head, he explained.

CONFUCIUS SAY

October 19, 2009

About 300 years after Abraham, Confucius and other noteworthy figures appear in bustling China.  The Internet seems to show no authentic jokes of that era, and motivated by weariness with the Confucius Say jokes beginning in the 1940s, I opted for a few more serious but still clever  sayings of about 500 B. C. and perhaps later.

While I found no genuine humor but, I did find aphorisms, though ancient in origin, yet up-to-date in application.

 “Choose the job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.” is often quoted today, and should be remembered by anyone looking for a job or career.  This advice is timeless and is fresh for each new generation. 

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” could be of European origin and not from the China of 3800 years ago.   A similar American saying is “The first step is half the journey.”  Many, including yours truly, like to put off that first step which, of course, means that there is no journey. 

The contemporary Confucian sayings aren’t meant to teach but rather to amuse often in a way not printable in a family blog.  Here is one eminently printable that may warm up a tepid sales force:  “Salesperson who covers chair instead of territory always remains on bottom.” 

LAUGHTER IN HISTORY

October 19, 2009

We often say that something is as old as the hills.  That does not include humor which coincides with the arrival of  humans who alone are capable of laughter.  In a poetic sense the hills may sing, but they don’t laugh

Although there may be earlier written accounts, the Bible recorded laughter in the book of Genesis 3800 years ago.  In Chapter 17 Abraham “fell down and laughed” when  a visitor told this centenarian that his nonagenarian wife Sarah would produce a male heir and thus create a great nation.

In Chapter 18 we read that Sarah laughed to herself when from the back of the tent she overheard the conversation of another visitor who confirmed the previous promise to Abraham.  The Middle Eastern cultures of that day, and to some extent today, prohibited a wife from casual contact with a man other that husband or brother.

 Finally, in Chapter 21 the promised heir, Isaac, is born and Sarah remarks, “God has brought me laughter.”  Was there something funny about the new baby?  No.  Isaac means laughter, and Sarah commemorates her earlier reaction. 

The Bible is not  about humor or laughter even though the book of Ecclesiastes mentions  that  life provides a time to weep and to laugh.  Rather, the Bible prefers to emphasize joy.

HANDLING HUMOR

October 19, 2009

Indeed, humor can be hard to handle.  Many years ago in Toastmasters I gave a humorous speech that was merely a series of jokes with few connecting comments.  To point out my error the evaluator mentioned a speaker who used jokes carrying numbers known to the audience.  His punch line was all that the speaker really had to do was cite the number of the familiar joke and his audience was sure to laugh.  Words were unnecessary. 

A few years ago a humorist compiled a book of many jokes aligned to tell a logical story with a beginning, middle and end.  It was a monumental work cleverly done, but it fell flat.  It lacked soul.

Sometimes it is possible to use jokes in the public domain and alter them to make them appear as an integral part of the talk   A simple example: “A man said to a friend—–.”  The speech preparer could say “This morning my neighbor told me——–.”  This will personalize the story and make it seem more original.

An absolute “no no” is opening a speech with a joke or a wry comment that has no relation to the speech, speaker, or listeners.  Such a speaker believes that he has to have a joke for the sake of the joke in spite of its irrelevance.

As we can see from these awkward comments, humor takes work for the vast majority.  Only a favored few find it spontaneous.

THE FIRST PHOTO

October 8, 2009

A blog is a personal document that enables the writer to give any opinion he deems suitable.  I originally intended a web site which would usually formally advertises a product or service, but there seems no reason why a blog cannot serve the same purpose.  Of course, there is always the danger that the reader will quickly recognize the barely veiled purpose and will exercise the   inalienable right to delete.                    

After many years in business, public speaking and experiencing the vicissitudes of the three stages of life. I have prepared two speeches for senior citizens.  One, “Polishing the Gold of the Senior Years” shown on another part of this blog, and the other, “Golden Age Glee.”  Information on these, plus others on non-related topics, are printed in a brochure available on request which can be made on this blog under “Contact”.

Is there a charge?  Yes, if there is a budget.  Otherwise, the presentation is pro bono publico.

I would like to hear from you if you are interested in making comments, suggestions or criticisms for which, of course, there is no charge.

I FORGOT!

October 8, 2009

Nothing characterizes the senior years like the failure to make the brain respond when desired.

Short term memory problems begin in the middle years, and as the decades go by people increasingly admit “I can’t remember.”  A host of humorous stories accompany this embarrassment. 

Three senior ladies were discussing the torments of growing older.  One said, “Sometimes when I’m in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand I just can’t remember if I need to put it away or if I want to make a sandwich.”

The second lady added, “Yes, sometimes I’m on the landing of the stairs and I don’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I don’t have that problem, but I’m going to knock on wood.”  While rapping her knuckles on the table she told her friends, “That must be the door.  I’ll get it.”

 Seniors have a couple of simple techniques  to deal with forgetfulness:

  1. Write down what you want to remember.   Admittedly everyone knows this.
  2. If you are away from home but still near a telephone (like a cell), call your home number and leave a message on the recorder.  It will be there for you when you return.

SENIOR SOCIAL LIFE

October 8, 2009

Seniors have managed to fashion a social life that is less hectic than the younger version, but still provides necessary human contact.

A lady of 85 was a house guest of her daughter.  Soon the man next door, age 90, called to ask her for a date.  Perplexed, the senior lady asked her daughter who verified the good character of the neighboring senior.

 They went out, and on their return the mother was very upset.  When asked the reason the mother said, “I had to slap his face three times.”  “Did he get fresh?” asked the daughter.  “No, I thought he had died,” the 85 year old mother replied.

 In a nursing home an elderly man in order to appear younger always dressed in a suit and tie.  One day he was discussing his age in general terms with a lady resident, and she claimed she could guess it exactly.  They made a bet.  She asked him to turn his back and then to pull down his trousers and drawers..  She then asked him to turn around and to face her.  After a minute she exclaimed, “You’re 84.”  He asked her how she could guess so accurately, and she replied, “You told me yesterday.” 

Observation:  Senior men with failing memory are helpless around predatory senior woman.


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